Letting go does not mean giving up, but accepting that there are things that can not be. But sometimes, in adulthood, those closest to you can become unrecognizable: distant, cold, and careless. For no apparent reason, you find yourself excluded from your life. Your peace sensors are increasingly rejected. You have been left out in the cold. There is always a reason why people know how they do it. But sometimes the metamorphosis is so gradual that it creeps in and one day you wake up and ask yourself, "How did this come about?"

You want them back. Then you start to ask yourself and blame yourself. Was it the time when I chose to go to the party rather than keep him company? Was it when I used his things without asking? What did I do to deserve this? What can I do to improve it? While it is good that you ask yourself these questions, sometimes the lesson you must learn is to put aside the memory of who they were and accept who they have become.

This is based on my own relationship with my sister. We had always been close, and when I was growing up, I admired her as my role model. She was pretty (I do not want to say that she is not now), popular and good at sports. But after she went to college and, four years later, I did the same thing on another continent, our lives did not really cross. When we met, we discussed many things. It had become bitter in the years after high school, as I grew, became assertive, and impulsively explored the world. Yet, despite our differences, I thought we would always be there for each other.

Then he married a man who does not get along with me or our parents. They began to live in a strange emotional autarky. She became very cold, defensive and resentful to our family and began to pull me out of her life. I tried to reach and repair the relationship, but she refused to open it. She has always been proud that way. One day, when I told her that I loved her and wished I could be as before, she said, "That was a long time ago."

In recent years, the relationship has really gone downhill. I have struggled with the pain of "losing" my sister as well as feelings of guilt as I struggled to find a reason for her change. I have tormented my brain for memories of what I might have done wrong, but my mind goes blank. So I decided I did not want to stop feeling hurt any longer. I did not want to continue longing and trying to revive the brotherhood that we once had. I have realized that my sister is not the person I once knew, and I have to accept that, learn to let it go and move on. This is how I decided to make certain decisions for the sake of my own happiness and mental health.

I hope this advice can help those who may be experiencing a toxic and distant relationship with a family member with whom they were once close.

- It is important to identify how the relationship can be toxic and how it makes you feel. A toxic relationship can manifest itself in many ways. Perhaps his relative always despises him, lacks empathy, acts passive-aggressive or ignores him when he speaks. Once you have identified the behavior patterns of the person, be aware of how this affects your mood, body language, energy levels, self-esteem and tranquility. Knowing how to recognize toxicity and its effects is the first step in understanding your feelings and empowering yourself to cope.

- Accept that you will never find the root cause of your relative's behavior. People do therapy for years; there is never a simple answer. You can talk to your relative to find out why he or she acts in a certain way. You should not. Sometimes the reason a person treats you badly may have nothing to do with what you have done, but it could be the way they process and respond to their own life experiences. Difficulties can strengthen one person and make others bitter. In any case, try to rethink the toxicity understanding that it tends to come from a place of unhappiness or discontent. Harmful actions by people will be less harmful to you when you realize that they reflect your internal state in place of you.

- Do not normalize toxicity. If you have not done anything wrong, do not forget that it is not normal for anyone to be continually negative, inconsiderate and hurtful toward you. It is very easy to lose perspective on what is right and what is wrong, especially when it constantly justifies a person's behavior with stories of past traumas or difficulties. People tend to make concessions for their difficult or distanced loved ones because they want to forgive and forget, avoid conflicts or do not want to alienate the person. Empathy is good, but it can not be used to excuse the further terrible behavior. Sometimes it is necessary to set limits and say "enough!" Before that behavior becomes the new normal.

- Do not expect anything from your separated relative. Yes, you may expect your family to be on your back because you would do the same, but do not count on a distant relative with whom you have trouble maintaining a relationship. I learned not to be dependent or to expect help from my sister, even though I grew up believing that this is what the brothers should do for each other.

- Realize that it takes two people to fix a relationship. No matter how hard you try, if the other person is not ready or unwilling, you may not fix too much. The relationship will remain toxic as long as the person can not change. You can not blame yourself for it. You've done your best.

- Decide cuánto espacio quieres darles en tu vida. Probablemente se encontrará nuevamente con su pariente en reuniones familiares, o tal vez necesite comunicarse con ellos sobre asuntos familiares. En este caso, minimice la cantidad de tiempo que pasa en su presencia y mantenga la comunicación al mínimo. A veces, sin embargo, es posible que tenga que cortarlos de su vida por completo, ya sea de forma permanente o momentánea. Mantener un espacio abierto para ellos y hacer un esfuerzo constante para llegar es emocionalmente agotador. Una vez que haya considerado que ha intentado lo suficiente y ha hecho lo mejor posible, no se sienta culpable por trazar la línea y decidir que ya es suficiente.

- Do not bottle things. Communicate your feelings to the people you trust. If the person knows his relative, he can learn that they also share the same feelings of pain and disappointment in dealing with him/her. Talking through your feelings is therapeutic and helps you gain perspective on the situation. In my case, my parents also have a toxic relationship with my sister, and I discovered that letting them talk about it and encouraging them not to bottle things up has been a great liberation for them.

- Refrain from gossiping frequently about his relative, especially a large circle of people. There is a difference between sharing your feelings with people you trust and constantly focusing on all conversations about this individual and what he did or said. You run the risk of getting into the habit of speaking badly of someone, and the conversation will often continue to go around in circles. In addition, a negative conversation can return to the ears of your relative and fuel the cycle of negativity and estrangement. Instead, decrease the mental and emotional energy you consume by thinking about your relative and focus on the positive aspects of your life and that of your loved ones.

- Do not give your relative the chance to blame him. People like my sister are often extreme narcissists who blame everyone but themselves. It is important not to give ammunition to this guilty game. If he/she is always late, acts in a bad way, never makes up, or uses your things, resist the temptation to do the same in return. Do the right thing and he/she will not be able to reproach you.

- Accept that you can not have a frank and sincere conversation. My sister goes through life demonstrating a character lacking in vulnerability or weakness. If you face an emotionally inaccessible and overly proud individual, you may have to accept the fact that you may never have that cathartic moment of truth that you crave. Strive to close sideways and keep going.

- Finally: Change your focus. Do not think too much about the pain and pain of "losing" a relative. Do not concentrate on trying to deal with the toxic relationships in your life. Build on the positives you have in place. Accept the cards that life has given you and get the best of them. Live your life and cultivate your soul. Be content and grateful for what you have and what you are, because that is more than enough to fill your heart with happiness!

The right words at the right time have the power to change things. They strengthen you, provoke you, inspire you, support you, change you and speak directly to your heart. Let these words inspire possibilities every day of your life.

And, of course, if you are struggling with any of these points, know that you are not alone. We are all in this together. Many of us are there with you, working hard to feel better, think more clearly and keep our lives up to date.

Patricio.

* Keep these words in your mind and if you want to share with someone.